I pleaded with him.
To no avail, as it turned out.
Ronnie * (not his real name) and I were on the patio behind my house. He was a 31-year-old divorcee with two young girls who adored him. Chronically depressed, he had tried a couple times to take his own life.
“Next time you think of suicide,” I said, “consider the consequences. Think of your girls and how your death would cause them grief. Don’t just think of how to end your own pain and despair. If you love them—and I know you do—don’t take the easy way out, for their sake.”
I wasn’t glib in telling him that. Though I’ve never tried to take my own life, I’ve yearned for death many times during episodes of depression. I’ve even prayed for God to take my life while I slept.
What keeps me from following through on suicidal thoughts, I told Ronnie—other than the grace of God—is not only the pain I would cause my loved ones, but what I would be modeling for them about how to handle despair. You see, I explained, when my grown sons or only grandchild face future difficulty—a tragic loss, career setback, or severance of a special relationship—I don’t want my past suicide to increase the likelihood that they will choose that alternative. I don’t want them to think, “Dad (or “Papaw”) avoided more pain by killing himself. Maybe that’s a good option for me.”
“I’ll go through hell inside instead of making that tragic choice easier for them,” I assured Ronnie.
If only he had listened.
Two years later, his next attempt succeeded. I can’t begin to grasp the depth of his angst. But oh, how I’ve lamented his rash decision to take those pills after an argument with a girlfriend. Though I’ve shed my share of tears over Ronnie, my primary memory of the funeral is seeing the tears of his daughters, ages 14 and 11.
May God give those girls grace if they are ever tempted to handle their pain the same way.
This life isn’t about me or what would comfort me or end my pain. It’s about God, and His call for me to serve Him. Since I’m His property, He, not me, must decide when my life should end. And this life is also about those brave few who really love me.
But following this counsel is easier said than done, even for myself. Pray for someone today whom you know struggles with depression.
wow!! thats a very sad story. I’ve been suffering with depression for almost a year now with no medication and it is definitely unbearable but thats not the route i want to take. i’ve read your story Terry on the site title “though i sit in darkness” has really inspired me and blessed me. I am now encouraged to go through this with God’s help. I really wished I had the support like you had but i’m going to lean on Jesus because he is all i have right now, sometimes I feel so lonely but i know God is with me. thank you for listening
Brenda, see my email address and contact me. tpowell@ciu.edu
Thanks for your kind words about the blog. My website has numerous columns and faith poems, etc on depression and faith in the “Resources” section…..see section on Depression and Christian Faith…….there should be a link there to hear audio of my Sept 22, 2014 testimony at CIU chapel…………Terry on Feb 16…
God way of touching a Hurting soulthats filled with pain remorse self combination and close to ending their. Is to present a temporary bandage in way of an article. Thank you
Thank you Larry, I had some trouble grasping your wording but I think it was encouraging. Appreciate taking the time to write.
Let’s try this again.
Your article is God’s way of touching a wounded Hurting soul. One which is filled with remorse, guilt, self condemnation. I could end my life, I know how I would do it.
BUT, I am reminded, by way of your article how my action could and would effect others. You see there are some that would celebrate my suicide, others, GOD APPOINTED, saints in the land who are the glorious ones, who have poured their lives into me, into my relationship with Jesus.
I trust in God’s promises, for a future and a hope, to complete his work in my life for good and not for calamity.
But boy ending this pain is so so tempting.
Your article has been used by God.
Dang i did it again.
The saints I was referring to.
Well they would be devastated by selfish decision.