One Man’s Personal Story

Tom Rea and his family served as church planting missionaries in France with ReachGlobal (Evangelical Free Church).  Afterward, he served for 15 years as a church-planting  pastor in Hermann, Missouri.  Now he’s a bi-vocational pastor in Nevada, Missouri.  But a far more important aspect of his identity has been that of husband to Diana (married in 1985), and father to their eight children (now ages 14 through 30).

In 2007, his wife, Diana, was diagnosed with mesothelioma.  She died six years later. 

In this interview, Tom discloses the lingering despondency that followed Diana’s death, and how Christ and His people have enabled him to weather the storm. Though Tom is much improved, not all the symptoms of his depression have dissipated. Still, others who suffer may be helped by what he has learned about resiliency in overcoming an intimate loss.

The photo is from their oldest child’s wedding, just weeks before Diana died.

 

Tom, in the years since Diana’s death, how has the grief and despondency showed?

*Low energy.  Especially in the first months after her passing, when it came to church duties and caring for the kids, about a half-day’s work was all I could muster.   I started taking a nap most afternoons, which had not previously been a pattern.

*Difficulty concentrating.  My capacity to listen and keep up during conversations waned.  Previously reading had been a big part of my routine,  but I could no longer keep my mind on a book or maintain interest in its content.  Eventually, what reading I did complete dealt with my condition:  handling grief and depression.

*Weeping.   Though I couldn’t suppress the need to talk about Diana with friends, I couldn’t do it without tears cascading down my face.

*Feeling overwhelmed by responsibilities.  To the role of pastoring a church,  during her illness and afterward I added new responsibilities such as cooking, shopping, arranging rides for my kids to their activities, keeping up with the family’s finances–things I’d always had Diana’s help with. Care for myself in various realms of life suffered, and I didn’t feel adequate for it all.  A few times I experienced what could be called panic attacks, a sudden emotional cave in, as if a rug were being pulled out from under me.

*Inability to care deeply about other people’s needs and problems.  Shepherding church members became increasingly difficult when my own pain preoccupied me. Nothing seemed as important as my own loss.

*Hopelessness.  I’d often awake with thoughts such as these:  “Today will be just like yesterday:  pointless, little sense of meaning, an inability to move forward.” A lethargy of spirit complemented the fatigue of body I mentioned earlier.  I knew cognitively that my ministry and life had meaning, but I couldn’t feel that in my heart to the point of motivating me to action.

 

How did (and does) the Lord sustain you during the darkest times?

 

 The Care and Prayers of Other People

The hospice chaplain who cared for us during the final weeks of Diana’s life continued his ministry to us after her death. He and his wife took us out to eat–once on the first anniversary of Diana’s death– and invited us to their house for swimming and barbecue.  He sent gifts to the children on several occasions. He paid someone to make teddy bears–one for each of us–out of Diana’s clothing so we’d feel a literal connection to her. He also took me with him to a seminar on handling grief.

Church members kept providing meals, and had my kids over so I could experience time alone to process my grief, and to rest.

My physician, a member of my church, not only prescribed an anti-depressant, but stayed in touch to see how I was doing.

The church elders took time to listen to me and to understand my more limited physical, mental, and emotional capacity.

One church member who had lost his wife 18 months earlier took regular walks with me and offered coping strategies that had worked for him.

A pastor friend who had filled in for me at the church during a leave of absence (before Diana’s death) was regularly available to talk over the phone.  He assured me that I wasn’t going crazy, and said, “You’ll eventually learn to live one day at a time, or sometimes just one hour at a time, or maybe just one breath at a time. You’ll gain long-term perspectives while always taking one-day-at-a-time strides.”

His words prompted me to give thanks to the Lord for making it through the previous hour, or even the past few moments.  Just surviving is actually part of the victory.

Three different counselors have ministered to me over the ears, one of whom I still see monthly. The opportunities to vent my feelings and listen as they answered my hard questions were invaluable. One used the story of Joseph and how he came to his ultimate destiny in Egypt. The important lesson I gleaned from his take on Joseph’s story is that “Not all deliverance is immediate.”

 

Books on Grief and Depression

The emotions on the grief journey can ambush a person, hitting out of nowhere and without warning. From these resources I learned to acknowledge the grief, not keep it stuffed inside me.  One writer whose material enhanced my understanding of grief was Alan Wolfelt, who runs a facility in Colorado called “The Center for Loss and Life Transition.”

Among the books on depression that helped me a lot:

*Depression:  Looking Up from the Stubborn Darkness, by Ed Welch.

*Christians Get Depressed, Too,  by David Murray.

*Getting to the Other Side of Grief:  Overcoming the Loss of a Spouse, by Zonnebelt-Smeenge and De Vries.

*I’m Not Supposed To Feel Like This, by Williams, Richards, and Whitton.

Reading helped me understand that I’m far from alone in the pain experience, and enabled me to accept my brokenness.  A book my children and I read together was the story of John Paton, missionary to the cannibals of the New Hebrides Islands in the 1800s, whose wife also preceded him in death before he completed his ministry.

 

The Psalms

Repeatedly reading through the Psalms massaged my heart and offered comfort.  I find there just about every emotion and situation imaginable.  Especially when I’d stay awake at night, I’d read until I found a verse to mediate on, which instilled a measure of peace.

Here’s a few of the many verses from the Psalms through which God’s Spirit ministered to me:

*”Why are you in despair, O my soul, and why have you become disturbed within me? Hope in God, for I shall again praise Him for the help of His presence” (Ps. 42:5).

“The lovingkindness of God endures all day long” (Ps. 52:1b).

“Cast your burden upon the Lord, and He will sustain you” (Ps. 55:22a).

“The Lord will accomplish what concerns me; Your lovingkindness, O Lord, is everlasting.  Do not forsake the works of Your hands” (Ps, 138:8).

“For the sake of Your name, O Lord, revive me.  In Your righteousness bring my soul out of trouble” (Ps. 143:11).

“The Lord sustains all who fall, and raises up all who are bowed down” (Ps. 145:14).

“The Lord is righteous in all His ways, and kind in all His deeds. The Lord is near to all who call upon Him” (Ps. 145:17-18).

 

Gratitude and Exercise

A counselor insisted that two things help a person maintain a more positive mindset:  gratitude and exercise.

He’s correct.  Before she died, Diana kept a list of things she was thankful for, inspired by Ann Voskamp’s book One Thousand Gifts: A Dare To Live Fully Right Where You Are.  I’ve picked up the habit of making such a list and realize that even in the midst of losing her, I still have much for which to thank God.

Exercise leaves me with a feeling of accomplishment and a sense of sell-being.  Another plus is how tired I feel when I go to bed, which makes sleep more likely.

 

Music

I spend more time now on the piano, which allows the melodies and lyrics to seep into my heart and mind and bring a calming effect.  I began playing more when a lady who had lost her husband told me she was helped by resolving to play her piano an hour a day after he died.

Currently, my second job is serving as the accompanist to three high school choirs.  That regular connection to music and to teens has revived my spirit numerous times.

God’s Word affirms the value of music as a means to worship, and as a source of strength.  According to Exodus 15:2, “The Lord is my strength and song.”  Psalms 33:3 commands us to “Give thanks to the Lord with the lyre; sing praises to Him on a harp of ten strings.  Sing to Him a new song; play skillfully with a shout of joy.”

 

Thank you, Tom, for sharing your story of grief and God’s sustenance.

To my readers:  What did Tom say that resonated most with you?  Why?

Which means of weathering the storm that he cited do you or a loved one most need to apply?

If you’ve lost a spouse or another family member, what is yet another way you’ve handled the grief?